Something hit me today as I was sitting in Langsham Library trying to study for my Math test.
I don't know what the HELL I'm doing.
I am clueless. Completely clueless.
For the first time in my life, people ask me where I'll be going and what I'll be doing after graduation and I just stare at them with this look that says some along the lines of "Uhhh....."
Y'all, this is an unfamilar place for Caitlin Brown.
I ALWAYS know what I'm doing.
I ALWAYS have everything planned out.
People ask me if I still plan on acting as my career,
and I respond (with the face) "uhhh....."
People ask me if I have a specfic career planned other than acting,
And I respond (with the face) "uhhh...well...um....I have a couple of ideas...I mean...um...you see..."
How ODD is it that I'm looking at acting as a safety net?
Pretty frikin odd if you ask me.
I guess I just miss having that identity.
Caitlin, the actress.
Then again, it's not as if I've lost that completely, so why does it suddenly feel like I have?
I just don't understand this limbo place that I'm in where I don't know what the crap is going on.
I mean, yes I am a student, I am getting a bachelors degree, I have a clue as to what my interests are and what I'm good at. But do I have the slightest comprehension as to which one of these I'm pursuing and how the heck I'm going to do that?
"uhhhh...."
I think I miss having something to show.
I miss SHOWING my work.
I miss having something tangible to share with people and say "This? Yeah. I did that."
But I keep having to remind myself that I'm in school and doing something with my time
because I'm used to having something to like...PROVE it.
Oh lord, y'all.
This growing up business is not for wimps.
I just wish I knew what's going to happen.
I wish I had answers.
I like answers.
Maybe it's time I look into seeing a psychic.
...you think I'm joking?
-C
dear caitlin,
ReplyDeletethe more i read your blog, the more i feel like we are nearly the same person. i am feeling the EXACT same way. and i keep getting the "so what are your plans" question more and more now that i'm nearly a senior. i'm trying to take the view that's like "well...things will work out the way they're supposed to," but heaven knows!
you are an intelligent and talented young woman so i'm sure you'll be fine no matter what you end up doing (:
Caitlin, it's Olivia's mom. I am sure your own mom is saying the same thing I am about to say, which is this:
ReplyDeleteIt is completely NORMAL not to know for sure what you want to do/what you want to be when you "grow up." That's what -- for most kids -- college is FOR: to explore various fields and subjects, and see what turns you on.
The reason it feels so odd to you not to know how to answer "What are you planning to be after you graduate from college?" is because you have spent the last four or five (or more) years with people who were unusual in that they DID/DO know what they want to do for a living, which is be actors and performers. One very unusual thing about BSA is that the kids who go there are (generally) not just talented, but quite single minded -- single minded enough to want to spend four hours a day, five days a week, doing one thing, and forgoing other "normal" high school things like going to football games, or working on a yearbook or running for student government.
But in the wider, "real" world, most people your age do not know, for sure, what they want to do. So stop worrying, honey, and try to ENJOY the possibilities that are lying in front of you like an open road. Just turn the key and start your journey and see where it takes you.
xoxo Miss Lisa
Caitlin -
ReplyDeleteI enjoy your blog immensely. I came across it one day when you wrote the post about defining your life in 6 words. I'm currently in the same boat you are in. I've about to graduate in less than 2 weeks and I've been the wonder child with everything planned out and a 5 year plan. I went to an art school in Baltimore and have been working hard at my own design work that I missed out on the weekend get together or my friends back home. I luckily got a job for after graduation but it was really a job that 'let's my mind rest...' I've worked my hardest at design and although its a wonderful profession i wonder if there is more and what direction I can go. The only advice I can give to you is to follow your intuition. You are young once, and with the ability to go to school, study acting and then keep your head on straight, you'll be able to do anything you put your mind too.
Take your times. Sometimes you have to try something to realize you hate it and don't want to end up doing that for the rest of your life. You love to perform and that doesn't mean you can't do that. When people ask you the question... What do you plan to do after graduation? I'd say... Be the 21/22 year old that I am and find a place in amoungst the hustle and bustle of the real world. You will find your calling soon enough. Don't rush it and don't burn down bridges. Don't stress. It will come with time... and if not, the ones you love will kick you in the butt and tell you to straighten up.
You're answers will come to you unexpectantly. You're heart will tell you when you have found 'that thing' you won't to do with the rest of the your life. But in the mean time, enjoy spending time with the people you love and experiment. <3