A little cheese.

Disclaimer: I'm feeling cheesy tonight. turn back now if cheese disgusts you.

It's no secret to anyone who reads this that I've been having a rough few months.

I find myself getting really down, often.

I find myself getting jealous of other people who seem to be perfectly at peace, often.

I find myself having to accept my realities right now instead of trying to pass them off as dreams, often.

On top of that, I feel guilty for thinking or feeling these things.

I feel embarrassed or annoying for constantly bringing these things up.

Trevor has been my rock for months now, and while I'm more thankful for that than I can say, 

I don't want that to be our whole relationship.

I don't want our talks or our time together to revolve around him comforting me.

Because while he's very good at it, he's way more than that.

He's my best friend, and he's the guy I want to just chill out with and talk about nothing.

And i miss that. 

I miss having so little on my brain that I'm ABLE to talk about nothing.

So naturally, I begin to feel guilty.

And right along with the guilt I begin to feel insecure.

I feel insecure that I'm consuming his energy to help me all the time.

I feel insecure that I become a chore.

I feel insecure that we  so rarely have lighthearted, meaningless conversations.

So naturally, I begin to feel like a bad girlfriend.

I begin to feel selfish.

I begin to feel like I'm making the whole world revolve around me and my problems.

Do you see this pattern?

And the more patient and loving Trevor is to me, the more I feel guilty that once again, 

he's the one comforting me (I know, women.)

Last night, I felt this way once more.

I went to sleep feeling like a weight on his shoulders because once again, 

he was the one who received the brunt of my weaknesses.

But today, I realized something.

There is no formula that will make me a good girlfriend.

I can only be me, who I am, in the moment, as best that I can.

And no matter what I  feel sometimes, no matter how crummy of a job I think I am doing in the roles that I'm trying to play, I'm just gonna do myself a favor and conclude that I am enough.

 I am enough, all on my own, sitting as I am, to deserve a happy, healthy, loving relationship without feeling guilty that I'm not always who I want to be.

I would do anything in the world for Trevor, 

and that makes me feel okay knowing that he's doing everything he can for me right now, 

even if it's just staying up a few extra minutes at night to talk to me because it makes me feel better. 

And while I do want to make a conscious effort to turn my attention to more of the positives in my life,

it is okay and normal to be human sometimes, and feel things that aren't positive.

I just count my lucky stars that I've got one major positive that I wouldn't trade for nothin'.

(p.s. I'd like to publicly thank my boyfriend for letting me blog about him. this thing would be pretty sparse otherwise, eh?)

-C

Lets play ketchup.

Hey y'all.

I feel terrible about my lack of blogging.

And I'm not just saying that.

I hate that I feel like I'm neglecting this little space, 

but it's not because I don't want to update.

My life lately doesn't really make for appropriate blog entries.

However.

I miss this little place,

and I'm working on finding other ways to blog about my life and other simple things.

Tomorrow is the start of my second year of college, and I'm feeling very confident about it.

I'm going to do my best to make this an exciting, productive, peaceful year for myself.

Hopefully I'll be able to stick to all of my laundry and working out routines that I've planned.
I always get like this when the school year starts...
sort of the way you're already super pumped about your new years resolution at first.

IN OTHER NEWS...

Guess who has an addition to their family?

...................

ok ok ill tell you!
.........................

I do, I do!

(except probably not in the way that it sounded)

What I'm trying to say is...

.......................................

we got a kitty!

One of my roommates found this sweet little guy and brought him home, and we've decided to keep him! He will really ultimately belong to our other roommate, Kelsey, because after we move out he'll be going with her, but he undoubtedly considers me his second mommy. or even daddy. i dont care, just as long as I'm a parental unit. This guy has slept with me every night for the past 3 nights and I adore the crap out of him. He's so cuddly and sweet and I'm in love.

I love you Tito.

(that's pronounced Tee-Doe) in case you were wondering.

We're taking him to the vet next week to start his little life off right.

I'm so happy :) He's such a sweet companion to come home to.

Oh, one more random little thing.

Aside from my wonderful apartment and sweet kitten and great friends and family, 

you know what else makes me so freakin lucky despite all of the hardships of life?

this guy.

I don't know what I'd do without him.

He is the bread to my butter,

the ink to my pen,

the petal to my flower. 

 he brings me the most incredible peace.

i consider myself very lucky to have him :).

And on that note

I'm gonna call it a night. 

If you are still reading this blog despite my frequent absences lately, thank you. It means so much to me:)

Good night, all.

-C

p.s. 94 days til Christmas (!)

I've got a crush.

...On design star Emily Henderson.

First of all, she's a blogger.

Um, brownie points.

(You should visit her blog here.)

Second of all, she's flippin ca-yoot and I dream about her closet.

Third of all,

The girls got skillz.

She's probably the designer I've felt most actually had her own style on any of the Design Star episodes.

I love that she doesn't really follow rules.

I love that she's eclectic.

I love the colors she uses.

Basically I just want to be Emily Henderson.

Is that okay?

This is the room where Emily blogs in her house.

I'm in love.

Also.

This was Emily and her husbands wedding invitation.

It reads:

"Hi. 

We are getting married.

and we think you should come.

Fair Oaks, Ca Sep 26, 2006"

Seriously. 

Ya can't get cuter than that.

So there that is. I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Love y'allll.

(All photo's from Emily's Blog)

A Mix of Things.

Hey y'all.

It's been far too long since I've given a substantial update.

I blame moving and stress and the lack of internet.

Yes, let's just stick with that.

Because it's (mostly) true.

Anyway,

I've missed you, little blog.

I wish so badly that I had a good camera right now 

so that I could show yall pictures of my room at the new apartment!

Not to toot my own horn, but I'm really proud of it because I stayed on a really tight budget and it's still everything I want. I'll post about that all in a separate post with bad quality pictures, 

but hopefully y'all will get the idea.

Settling into my new apartment feels fun and relaxing and also stressful at the same time.

I'm having some financial issues (I mean, who isnt?) but I know I'll make do.

I'm not sure what to say today. I feel like I have so much to say that I'm overwhelmed with my own thoughts. And I'll be honest-it's been hard to blog very positively lately. It seems that one thing after the other is thrown at my family, and I just watch as I feel like there is nothing I can do to fix things.

The good news is, life has completely put things in perspective for me.

I find myself getting stressed about really minute things that really don't matter.

Like, not having new clothes or not having a car.

While both of these things would be nice,

all I really want and need in my life is peace.

To be honest, I really am missing the days when I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Now it seems something is always keeping me up.

But, I'm doing my best to work through all of my family's problems in a healthy way.

I'm going to be turning in my application to volunteer at the Women Helping Women Shelter this week.

I've created a nice, cozy room for myself that relaxes me.

I'm reading a lot about things that help me to handle the anxiety I'm feeling about the problems around me. 

And I'm praying.

Praying for the things that matter.

Like safety.

and comfort.

and peace.

When I was in third grade, we had a whole lesson about economics.

One of the main points of the lesson was the difference between wants and needs.

Well if there is anything that I've learned, it's the difference between those two things.

I don't NEED a new dress or a new curling iron.

I don't NEED a 40 dollar pillow from pier one when the one on sale at Walmart does the job just as well.

I might want certain things.

But as long as I have love, safety, and peace, thats truly all that matters.

I'm asking everyone out there to send good vibes, prayers, thoughts, anything you've got to my family.

I swear that from now on, I will never take basic needs for granted.

I will never be so blind to think that I have it bad if I can't get the cute car that I want,

or if I can't furnish my apartment from Crate and Barrel.

Instead, I'm happy to have a roof over my head.

I'm happy to have a family who loves me, no matter what.

I'm happy to have Trevor, who makes me smile every. single. day.

I'm happy to have great friends who genuinely care for me, especially right now.

I hope that volunteering provides some settlement and peace in my heart.

Selfishly, I want that, because helping these women through these situations and knowing that I could be making a difference, might just make up for a fraction of what I can't fix in my own life right now.

Helping others is helping yourself. I hope I remember that, always.

That's all I've got for now.

I know this is a little scattered. 

I've been wanting to make my blog more focused, but I think, for now,

I'm okay with it being what it is,

because at the end of the day, I write this for me.

But I'm glad y'all are here too :)

'Til next time...

-C

Holy Moly. I hate moving.

Hey y'alll.


Holy guacamole I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted.

I've been without internet since I moved.

I'm posting from work right now when I actually have a million things to do.

Ahhh.



Good news though.

Cable/Internet guy is coming on Wednesday!

So please stay tuned because I have lots to share :)



Love.Love.Love.



--C