So...

I want to be Taylor Swifts best friend.

There I said it.

I mean...look how COOL she is!

...anyone still there? 

...hello?

Things I don't know.

I don't know why insecurity finds the people who deserve it the least. I don't know life can't be like a Leave it to Beaver episode. I don't know why student loans have to be so complicated. I don't know why everything that tastes good has to be bad for you. I don't know why it bothers me so much that I don't think I'm funny. I don't know why they don't offer life scholarships. I don't why I don't find pedicures relaxing. I don't know why I worry so much. I don't know why it's so hard to see what everyone else sees. I don't know why driving makes me feel so much better when I'm stressed. I don't know why anyone ever has to have their heart broken. I don't know why I can't be a normal 20 year old. I guess I don't know what normal means. I don't know exactly what I'm going to do when I leave college. I don't know why I find that so embarrassing. I don't know why it's so hard for me to let things go. I don't know why I have to love Ben and Jerry's so frikin much. I don't know why I continuously watch The Bachelor after swearing it off every season. I don't know why Houston has to be so far away from Baltimore. I don't know why it can't be Christmas all year long. I don't know why the SMELL of Christmas makes me instantly happy. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with table settings. I don't know why I overreact to things a lot. I don't know who I would be if last year would never have happened. I don't know if I mean that in a good or bad way. I don't know why we have to make mistakes in order to learn. I wish we were just born with all that knowledge. I don't know why I can never find a perfect pair of blue jeans. 

I don't know why I thought I should make this a blog entry, but I have.

The last couple of days have been a little trying.

I've had a lot on my mind, and while the blog is usually a place I like to work things out,

I try to blog when I have a little perspective and can offer some words of so-called wisdom.

But today, I don't have a whole lot.

So I just decided to write about the things I'm not sure of.

I think that's okay sometimes.

'Til next time...

-C

"Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer." --Louise Gluck

When Chelsea and I were just little tikes,
we were the picture perfect example of the typical younger and older siblings.

Chelsea, being the oldest, was always really neat and clean.
My parents only had to tell her "no" once before she'd immediately stop whatever she was doing wrong. She was girly and loved jewelry, and was always patient enough to partake in crafts and sewing with my Ninny.

I, on the other hand, was the little rebellion, a hurricane with a permanent red popsicle stain around my mouth and hair that was "kinky," in the words of my granny.When my parents would tell me no, I would just pause for a moment, give them a sly little look and slowly, but surely, continue going about my business.

No matter how different we were though, Chelsea and I were glued together.
I absolutely hated being seperated from "my sissy."
In daycare they would always let me sit with the older class (the one that Chelsea was in)
because I'd cry my poor little eyeballs out when we were apart. Chels was the older sister who took care of things and made me feel safe. Even when it came to other kids, Chels stuck up for me through everything. For example, I had a deep love for Barney growing up. You know that little "Barney got shot by a GI Joe" song? Yeah, it broke my little 4 year old heart. So when the kids at daycare sang it, Chelsea always intervened and told them to stop because "my sissy loves Barney!"

Somehow though, as we hit high school, Chels and I switched places.
Suddenly, Chelsea was the one who was always much more willing to test the waters, and I became more of a caretaker, and never did things that I knew would disappoint or worry my mother.

In fact, I called my mom and ASKED if I could skip math class y'all. Who does that?

For the longest time I couldn't really understand this switch.
It puzzled me how we both turned into such opposites of what we were when we kids.

But as time has passed, I've realized that Chelsea and I are still both of these people.
Just as much as I'm a caretaker, I still have that little tangled hair girl inside me who is always pushing her limits. And just as much as Chelsea tests the waters and sometimes does things her own way despite what anyone else has to say about it, she can still be the most nurturing, understanding and reassuring sister I could ever ask for.

But with sisters, you grow and bend for each other, depending on what the other one needs. When Chelsea grew up and wanted to make decisions on her own terms and learn from her own mistakes, I knew that I needed to be the kind of sister who could help her if she needed it. Someone who could provide some calm. And if one of us was going to be the child to make my mother bite her nails, then the other one had to be the one to reassure her and let her know that the other one is a smart girl and she needn't worry. We couldn't have our parents worrying about BOTH of us at once. That would just be cruel. So we've taken turns. After all, if you're both just going hog wild (I'm exaggerating, because Chelsea isn't actually very wild) then life would just be chaos.

But if I chose to suddenly slip back into being my 5 year old, mischeivious self (hypothetically speaking, Mom) I know Chelsea would be right there to talk to me on the phone with some sense and some guidance, and much more understanding than I'm (sadly) ever able to give her.

That's the thing about sisters.
They know what you need without you ever having to verbalize it.
And even in the moments when our differences have distanced us,
I've never doubted for a single second that I could call Chelsea and she'd hurry to my rescue,
like the great, big sissy that she is.

No day but today.

Today I was catching up on my blog reading, and I came across one of my regulars, Holding Court.
Holding Court was a blog written by an interior designer, mother, and wife.
I loved reading it for all of her fun and interesting design tips, but also for how humane and kind she was.
She even commented on one of my feeble attempts to make an interior design inspiration board once and made.my.day.
I was thrilled.


But when I went to read the latest update today,
something was different.
The latest post was written by her husband in memory of Marija, who was killed in a car accident on July 10th.


Tears immediately came to my eyes when I read this heart wrenching post by her husband.
There is no time for mean words or hesitation in life.
Live and Love healthfully and happily.
And thankfully.


I am so thankful for everyone in my life.
I love you all to the moon.


Rest Peacefully Marija.


Love,
Caitlin

Be still my heart...

I adore this Vintage Texas Wedding from Style Me Pretty.

I love all it's little details,

and the way the little burlap table runners keep the pink roses just the right amount of frou frou.

I hope everyone has a good weekend!

Check back on Monday for a post on what I want to be when I grow up.

'Til then...

-C

Here I go...

I know I've written before about feeling stuck,
and I'm sorry to sound like a broken record.
I'm trying to remember that sweet little saying that my granny told me:
"Bloom Where You're Planted"
But why does it sound so much easier coming from my granny?
I've had some feelings building about my current educational/career path,
but I never bring it up with anyone because I think I just sound like a big baby.

But the time has come and I feel like I need to talk about it.
So why not discuss it with the blogosphere?

I think it was one of the smartest decisions I've ever made to come to UC.
It took me to CCM, which even though ended up not being right for me, taught me a whole heck of a lot about what I want in my life and what I don't, what is important to me and what I can live without.
I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.
It's also led me to some of the most amazing friends that I'll ever have.
Some amazing nights that I could never, ever forget.
In that way alone, it has brought me back to life.

I haven't been in this good of a place in what feels like a very, very long time.
I feel like I have a good handle on what I want out of my future,
I feel so happy and relaxed about my relationship finally, and I cannot tell you how good that feels.

But there is something missing from all of this.
I've learned so much about what I want to do, and yet I feel stuck.
I feel like its all out of my reach.
It was hard to notice how limited with opportunities I was when I came to Cincinnati because I was going to CCM, where your opportunities are found much easier. Most of them are offered to you with a nice little bow on it, and while the program is incredibllyyyy grueling,
it's also very sheltered and comforting.

So while I'm thrilled and SO excited about all of the other paths that I feel like I have yet had the chance to explore, I have worries and stresses, still. I love going to UC for a lot of reasons. But as a Communications major-my education is a little lack luster, if you will. UC has some great programs, like CCM, DAAP, Engineering, etc. But being a regular Arts and Sciences student has been sort of ho-hum so far. Granted, it's still early, so who knows what will change. I just know that right now I feel stifled and unsatisfied, and I don't like that I feel that way.

 I'm worried that I won't graduate on time because I switched my major and will be stuck in Cincinnati while all of my friends go off and become real people.
I'm worried that in order to graduate on time I'll have to spend every summer taking classes and that I'll never get to intern or travel to the places that I want to.
I really want to intern at an event company or at The Knot, but I just don't know how I ever will.
I really want to study abroad but I'm too nervous that it will mess up my credits and push back my graduation date.

I hate the way that I sound right now.
Like I'm too big for my britches.
Because I am not.
I feel so lucky to be here, and to my parents for helping me pay for college and for supporting me through every decision I've made to get here.

I'm just hopelessly fantasizing because that's what I do.
And sort of kicking myself in the shin because I wish I had realized how lucky I was to have so much opportunity right outside my door when I was living in Chicago.
I was so bogged down with other, personal things that I barely noticed that I was in one of the most amazing cities there is.

And I'm sure when I graduate I'll be kicking myself in the shin for complaining about UC.

Why do we always learn these lessons after the fact, y'all?

-C

What I've Learned about Long Distance Relationships.

As most of you know, Trevor is a part of design program that allows him to participate in Co-Ops for two out of the four quarters during the school year. A Co-Op, for those who are wondering, is basically like a paid internship with a broad spectrum of companies. He applies to various companies all over the country, and then chooses one of them and works there for 10 weeks (one quarter).

This past Spring he did his first Co-Op in Buffalo, NY. Before that, we were long distance after we graduated from high school. This Spring was much more successful, and MUCH more pleasant than the first time we did long distance and I came to a few conclusions about why. So for those of you out there who are in the midst of a long distance relationship, listen up, because you just might learn from my mistakes.


1. Make your relationship a priority. Don't make it your life.

Something I really struggled with at first with being in a long distance relationship was knowing the balance between trying to stay involved in Trevor's life, but not losing my own. Don't sit by the phone, or skype, or whatever device your using waiting for them to call. Anytime I did this, I just ended up aggravated or annoyed when he took too long or called just to say he was going to bed, and I had wasted my night sitting there pining. Live your life, go out with your friends, it doesn't make you any less dedicated to your relationship.

2. Look at the positives.

It's hard to see anything positive about long distance dating at first. But for me, it was really important to find the good in it so that I didn't get bogged down in negativity. Balancing friends and relationships is hard. You either want to see your boyfriend but feel like you should be with your friends, or vice versa, and I know too many friendships who have been strained because they don't see each other enough once one of them gets a boyfriend (or girlfriend). I struggle with balancing this just as much as anyone else, so I like to look at Trevors time at Co-Op as quality time that I get to spend with my friends without being stressed about balancing the two. I'm really lucky that Trevor is incredibly supportive and understanding and never makes me feel bad about wanting to hang out with my friends, but still, it's much easier on me when I know I only have one place for my attention to go.

3. Be supportive.

When Trevor and I get opportunities to do things or go places that take away each other's time from one another, it can be hard to stay encouraging and supportive. But it's really important. The first couple of weeks when Trevor was at co-op were the hardest, because we were still adjusting and finding out what times we'd be able to talk, and how much. As Trevor got more settled in to his new environment, the more we talked and the easier and less stressful it became. So be patient. Let each other take advantage of the opportunities that surround you, and it will get easier as you both adjust.

4. It's harder to be the one who's left.

I've found it to be harder on me when Trevor leaves me to go somewhere, rather than when I leave him. I think this is because when you're the one leaving for a new experience, you're excited and have lots to look forward to. When you're being left, all you can pay attention to is what you're missing. Realize that this is normal, try not to harp on it, and move on.

5. Remember the little things.

Now that you're apart, the little things count the most. I would send Trevor cards in the mail every couple of weeks to just say I miss him or that I'm proud of him for being a big boy at work, and Trev would often greet me with a nice little text message in the morning. They are all things that just take a moment, but they change your whole day.

6. Have something to look forward to.

If possible, try to schedule visits to see each other on a fairly consistent basis. It doesn't mean it has to be every week, depending on how far apart you are, but consistent in terms of knowing if it will be 3 weeks until you see each other, a month, etc. Whatever it is, it's always nice and encouraging to have a day to look forward to.

After a couple of weeks, I felt surprisingly comfortable with the distance. In fact, it was going so well that I started to worry if it would be difficult to be together every day again! For the record, its not. I love it. And right now I'm questioning how in the world we'll ever do long distance all over again and I'll have to refer back to this post and follow my own advice.

'Til next time...

-C

A Simple Girl's Soapbox.

About a week ago I came across an article in the Washington Post that debates about how young is TOO young for marriage.

The article is basically a transcript of questions and answers between readers, and the authors of a book (which I have not read yet) called Last One Down the Aisle Wins.

Now, I'd just like to say that it's apparent that these two ladies are very smart. One of them is even a licensed marriage and family therapist. But this article hit one of my nerves, because this is a topic that I feel like is always very one sided in today's society, and I felt the need to respond to it.


I think about marriage a lot.

There I said it.


(this doesn't mean I'm getting married tomorrow, or anytime soon, so please cool your jets.) 

I'm just really fascinated by the concept of it. I don't entirely know why it is I'm so fascinated with it.
Perhaps it's because I have divorced parents, or perhaps it's because I'm a big sap or because I want to learn and understand what it's about as much as possible. I try to avoid talking about my feelings about it because it stirs up trouble and since I'm 20 years old, I tend to get a lot of heat for having it on the brain anyway. Luckily, I decided I don't give a hoot, so I'm gonna share anyway.

It's not that I disagree that you can really benefit from waiting to get married until you're in your 30's
(or at least close to them) it's that I disagree that this is the only way you can benefit. I'm not sure when marriage became the equivilant of death, but it sure seems like society is beginning to believe more and more that once women get married they become permanent fixtures in the kitchen and drop all aspirations for themselves. While a marriage is a huge responsibility, it's not the same thing as having a baby, and I believe two people are just as capable of traveling together and supporting each others goals and aspirations past the moment they say "I do." I don't think having aspirations to travel and have a great career have to cancel out marriage, I just think it's important to be with someone who understands your goals and who has cohesive ones.

I realize that yes, statistics are against you if you choose to get married before 25,
but stats aren't exactly stunning for marriages after that magical age either,
so clearly there is something more that's wrong in these marriages other than just their timing.

What I'm trying to say, is that I find it extremely unfair that society has started to guilt trip or ostracize  women who think about marriage before they are in the age bracket that has been deemed appropriate.
Pressuring women to get married young and have babies as soon as possible isn't right by ANY means,
but then neither is making women feel bad about themselves if those truly are their aspirations. There are some women who are completely content with being a stay at home mom, and who couldn't find more joy from anything else in their life, so why are we making them feel bad? For the record, I'm not saying I, personally am one of those women, but rather that I understand and support that.

There's no one, formulaic way to live your life.
There is not one single timeline that will make everyone happy.
So why are we writing books telling people how to live their lives when we know nothing about them individually?

I have seen and read about marriages like Katie Browns from Confessions of  a Young Married Couple, who was engaged at 20 and was married the summer after she graduated from college. I guarentee you, if you read her blog you'll understand why I see her relationship as one of the strongest and most committed marriages there is. It has reaffirmed my belief that commitment and understanding
of what marriage means is what makes you successful as a couple. Not being 32, or having already ticked off every country you've ever wanted to travel to off your list.

There are many, many ways to live your life.
I think we've accepted that not every 45 year old has had the same life experiences as each other or the same accomplishments. Perhaps it's time that we offer that same courtesy to those in their 20's.

By the way, I do actually plan to read this book because it's written by well educated women and I'm interested in what they have to say.

What do y'all think? Has anyone out there read this book?

-C


P.S. Check back tomorrow for a post on what I've learned about long distance relationships.

In loving memory.

Read about Cohens story here.