{Lighten up, Cait}

I know I still haven't posted about my trip to Disney World, and the only reason I haven't is because there is a lot to cover (I was there for 6 days!) and I need to take the time to sit down and post pictures and get all my thoughts together, which has proved rather difficult lately. In times when you see me post less, it's typically because I feel scatterbrained and I don't know how to wrangle my thoughts together enough for a post that is the least bit comprehensible. But here is something I've been thinking about lately:

I need to lighten up.

It's pretty much as simple as that, and yet not all that simple to do. I admit, I have a lot of not terribly "light" things on my mind a lot, and it hasn't done awesome things for my personality, y'all. Perhaps that's why I have acquired this serious OBSESSION with traveling (or rather, dreaming about traveling) because I think that taking myself somewhere else that I've never been will somehow allow me to step out of the person that I am right now (stressed out and uptight) and be the person that I am at my core (adventurous and fun). When I was a kid I was this little dare devil mess that always had chocolate on my face and was always getting into things I shouldn't. You could tell me "no" and I would just look at you with this little mischevious grin as if to say "I hear youuu, but I'm going to pretend I donnntt" and slowly continue what I was previously doing. I used to be much more fearless. Not just when I was a little kid, but even just a few years ago. Now, the thoughts that are at the forefront of all of my decisions are based on what could go wrong and how to avoid problems or conflict. I've always been that way to a certain extent, but it feels like that's all I am now. There is no balance of the two. Everything feels like it must be practical, and while I do want to practice better discipline (something that I tend to lose after a while because I get antsy) I don't want to lose the side of me that knows how to LIVE. I have this constant tension between who I've practiced being for a while now (so much so that I thought for a while that that's who I really was) and who I really want to be and feel like I am.

So I need to find balance. I need to find a way to not always give into instant gratification but also to live in the moment. I need to find a way to be happy and lighthearted without ignoring reality or my problems. I need to find a way to laugh more than worry. Sitting and waiting for every problem to completely get better is a waste of time, because there will always be something holding you back from happiness if you let it.

So here's to lightening up...

p.s. i miss acting today. im going to go see a show soon.


hope you're all having a great week <3

-C

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