A little cheese.

Disclaimer: I'm feeling cheesy tonight. turn back now if cheese disgusts you.

It's no secret to anyone who reads this that I've been having a rough few months.

I find myself getting really down, often.

I find myself getting jealous of other people who seem to be perfectly at peace, often.

I find myself having to accept my realities right now instead of trying to pass them off as dreams, often.

On top of that, I feel guilty for thinking or feeling these things.

I feel embarrassed or annoying for constantly bringing these things up.

Trevor has been my rock for months now, and while I'm more thankful for that than I can say, 

I don't want that to be our whole relationship.

I don't want our talks or our time together to revolve around him comforting me.

Because while he's very good at it, he's way more than that.

He's my best friend, and he's the guy I want to just chill out with and talk about nothing.

And i miss that. 

I miss having so little on my brain that I'm ABLE to talk about nothing.

So naturally, I begin to feel guilty.

And right along with the guilt I begin to feel insecure.

I feel insecure that I'm consuming his energy to help me all the time.

I feel insecure that I become a chore.

I feel insecure that we  so rarely have lighthearted, meaningless conversations.

So naturally, I begin to feel like a bad girlfriend.

I begin to feel selfish.

I begin to feel like I'm making the whole world revolve around me and my problems.

Do you see this pattern?

And the more patient and loving Trevor is to me, the more I feel guilty that once again, 

he's the one comforting me (I know, women.)

Last night, I felt this way once more.

I went to sleep feeling like a weight on his shoulders because once again, 

he was the one who received the brunt of my weaknesses.

But today, I realized something.

There is no formula that will make me a good girlfriend.

I can only be me, who I am, in the moment, as best that I can.

And no matter what I  feel sometimes, no matter how crummy of a job I think I am doing in the roles that I'm trying to play, I'm just gonna do myself a favor and conclude that I am enough.

 I am enough, all on my own, sitting as I am, to deserve a happy, healthy, loving relationship without feeling guilty that I'm not always who I want to be.

I would do anything in the world for Trevor, 

and that makes me feel okay knowing that he's doing everything he can for me right now, 

even if it's just staying up a few extra minutes at night to talk to me because it makes me feel better. 

And while I do want to make a conscious effort to turn my attention to more of the positives in my life,

it is okay and normal to be human sometimes, and feel things that aren't positive.

I just count my lucky stars that I've got one major positive that I wouldn't trade for nothin'.

(p.s. I'd like to publicly thank my boyfriend for letting me blog about him. this thing would be pretty sparse otherwise, eh?)

-C