Things you learn.

I was always one of those girls who completely romanticized the idea of ending up with your first love.
I loved the idea of falling in love and staying in love until death do you part (sorry to sound so scary...)
Factoring in break ups or hiccups or heartbreak was never really a part of the equation I had in mind
(and well, DUH. who ever does?), if I could have had it my way
(my way being the romanticized movie of my life that I usually have playing in my head.)
I remember growing up and always hearing people say that you never forget your first love.
I actually remember seeing a movie ( I feel like it involved Mandy Moore, but don't take my word for it) about a girl who was seeking answers about her first love, and her mother told her  that after you get your heart broken the first time, "you'll never love the same way."
"Not that you'll love less," she said "but you'll love differently."
And I remember the whole audience of women whole heartedly agreeing and nodding and murmuring things like "So true" under their breath.

I really hated this idea. And what I hated the most was how inevitable everyone made it sound.
Like I might as well just start stockin' up on the Ben and Jerry's and chick flicks now because my first love WOULD break my heart and I WOULD forever be changed by it.

Well, the truth is, they were right. I did get my heart broken (dun dun dun),
and when Trevor and I got back together over a year later
(I know most of you who actually know us are probably like WHAT/HUH? I dont ever remember you being apart that long. That's because we weren't, we did the ever so productive and healthy Rachel and Ross back and forth until something clicked and we realized that wasn't gonna cut it)
So I guess the more appropriate thing to say would be when Trevor and I legitimately got back together over a year later, I got my first taste of entering a relationship actually understanding the repercussions of what could happen. I didn't blindly think that Trevor and I would just magically be together forever or that our biggest fights would be about things as mundane and unthreatening as Trevor not liking red spaghetti sauce (true story. we fought about that. ill tell you about it another time.)

Anyway, the point is, that before this year,
I (sort of secretly, because I knew deep down it was naive of me) was really jaded about relationships that came after your first love. Of course now that I see things a bit clearer,
I am all "thank the LORD that person didn't end up in their first relationship"
because there are plenty of first boyfriends and girlfriends that don't deserve to have you for the rest of your life. But I had that whole "you'll never love the same way again" comment engraved in my mind and feared that everything I experienced afterwards would be settling.

Now that I see what it's like to love again after losing love (even if it's with the same person),
I've come to deeply appreciate second, third, fourth, fifth loves,
where you are so conscious about what you're getting into that you can
(consciously or unconsciously) say to yourself
"I know this man could stick my heart in a blender--but shoot, I'm gonna go for it anyway."

And these days, I don't think love is blind.
At least not my love.
I think my love is clear eyed, and knows the great possibilities as well as the bad possibilities,
but the part that counts is that I'm in it anyway.
And really, what could be more romantic than that?


-C



**So I have been drafting all sorts of blog entries lately and have had an impossible time finishing them. This one was drafted two weeks ago! So help me out. Vote on the poll on the right hand side for which blog entry you want to read about the most, and that will be the one that I finish and post next. Thanks, y'all!**