Happiness-Now and Then.

This weekend I turned 20.

I've never really actually thought about getting older  on my birthday until this year.

But as I was sitting in the cab on my way to Trevor's house in Buffalo 

(after a very long, delayed flight)

I saw the clock turn to midnight, making it May 22nd, making me 20 years old.

I took a minute when I was sitting there waiting for the cab driver to pull up to Trevor's street

and thought about everything that I've accomplished, and all the ways that I've changed over the last few years.

I remembered my 15th birthday that my parents surprised me with 

in the backyard of our old house in Baltimore.

At fifteen I had zero doubts about my future as an actress.

At fifteen I had never had my heart broken.

At fifteen I had never completely fallen in love.

At fifteen I had never worried about money.

At fifteen I had yet to live on my own.

At fifteen, I hadn't been the happiest I have ever been.

Was I happy?

Yes, I was really happy. I loved my life and I smiled all the time.

But something I'm learning to appreciate as I get older is the deph of what you are able to feel as you grow and experience new things.

Maybe I found more to laugh at when I was fifteen, but I laugh deeper now.

I appreciate every laugh, every smile, every peaceful moment.

Life and Love is a tricky thing. 

I don't know how to manage either one all the time,

but this weekend I took the deepest breath I think I have taken in about a year and a half.

Driving in the car to Toronto on Saturday with Trevor and sipping wine at The Hoof Cafe later that night together, made something in me feel like it was home again.

I felt like me. And it felt really good.

I'm not sure what it was. The new city, being with Trevor, or starting a new decade.

All I know is that right now, I love where I'm headed.

I have so many endless possibilities for where my life can go.

I hope that with every birthday I still carry a little bit of that 15 year old with me,

to remind me that life is nothing if it's not an adventure, 

and to show me that relentlessly believing in your dreams and in people 

is the only way to live.

Til next time...

-C