**I want to start a new series called "Let's talk about: {insert topic here}"
While I mostly like keeping posts short and sweet, sometimes I'm just too much of a blabbermouth for my own good and I wanna chit chat. Enjoy.**
I'm finishing up some lunch, browsing blogs and taking in some HGTV, and entirely ignoring the list of things I'm supposed to be doing. Namely, homework assignments that make me want to gouge my eyeballs out.
It's particularly difficult to keep inspired when you're knee deep in geology homework or work stress that if you're being entirely honest, you just don't really give a hoot about. Last night and this morning, as I was making a list of all the things I need to try to accomplish this week, I sat for a moment and daydreamed about what it would be like to be writing things on my to-do list that I want to do.
It's easy to look at other peoples lives and think to yourself "How do they do that? How are they so lucky that they can spend the day shopping around for the perfect night stands or fabric swatches, or hop around Europe for a month?" Sometimes it just seems plum unfair. And while it's true that this might be easier for some people then others, I know that it ultimately boils down to the decisions you make, daily. It boils down to the elements of your life that you allow to rule the choices you make.
So truthfully, I'm struggling with figuring out how to navigate my decisions. Between feeling stuck in certain ones, overwhelmed at the idea of others, it's hard to find a soft place to land.
All this thinkin' allowed me to boil down my goals and aspirations to one thing: to spend my life with more things that I want to do on my to do list.
The last 2 years of my life have felt like a test of discipline. Yes, I do believe it's important to learn to function and be happy under circumstances that aren't ideal and doing things that you aren't thrilled about. Sometimes, that's just life and we all must do things we don't want to do. But I also feel like so many of us learn this lesson longer than we need to. Can I force myself to do this homework assignment that I have absolutely zero passion for? Can I make myself absorb this lecture that feels so completely irrelevant to what I want to learn? Yes. I've done it. But ultimately, we are here to live. Let's be happy while we do it.
When I talk like this to people, I feel like they look at me like I have five heads. My assumption is that I probably sound lazy, spoiled, or naive. But I'm none of those things. I'm actually so incredibly motivated that it has me wanting to rip my hair out. I spend so much time mentally preparing myself for all of these amazing things that I want to do that I'm rarely able to make a priority or execute, because I have to do the other things first. The things that I'm "supposed" to do. Like learn about geology. and press releases. and read that book The Prince for the thousandth time.
I feel like I'm training for a marathon but I never get a chance to run the damn thing.
I want to wake up and make my own schedule. I want to fill my life with things that I love, that inspire me and others and that I feel have the ability to make life a little happier. Life is so short. I don't want to just go through the motions. I want to live it. That doesn't mean that I want things to be easy or that I want to just float through life like I'm on a vacation. It means I want to work hard and bust my ass working on things that matter to me. I want to spend my time on the things that I find worthwhile.
I am so inspired by so many people. Blogging, especially, has opened my eyes to so many people's lives that I admire. But I also want to be proud of my own.
Not to be redundant, BUT, I leave you with this:
Thanks for stopping by. lovelovelove.
-C
LOVED this post! You made everything I've been feeling lately and unable to express, so clear. Definitely needed to read this today, thank you.
ReplyDeleteThis gives me a lot to think about. Or I guess it brings up a lot of things I think about a lot. Sometimes I feel the same, like I should be pursuing a passion as a job-but sometimes I feel like just having hobbies is enough. I try to split my time between doing things I have to do and doing things I want to do, but it's definitely a good idea to keep the goal in mind of doing more things I WANT to do. Like going out and doing fun things with friends instead of staying home because I HAVE to clean or cook or do laundry or something. Anyway thanks for this thoughtful post!
ReplyDeleteabsolutely adore this post, Cait! perfection!
ReplyDeleteIt is a test. A very, very difficult test. I'm 27, still being tested. It's so unbelievably frustrating to go to a job every day for which I have absolutely NO passion. Especially for Psencik girls, this is grating. I want to write and go to grad school and focus on learning and doing things that I, get this, ACTUALLY ENJOY. Things that make me smile and laugh and think. But no, right now I'm waiting (counting down the days, hours, minutes) for Jeff to graduate with his Masters. 1 year. Less than one year, actually. December. I just have to get through this one year, this one final test that seems as though will never end.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a difficult thing to do. It's one thing when you say to yourself, "only 11 more months," but the actuality of that hits you in the face every morning when you wake up and have to go do shit you never wanted to do in the first place. Le sigh.
But there is hope! The knowledge that what you're doing this very minute is taking you one step closer to hopping on that plane, painting that wall, taking that cooking class, living where you want, etc.... Life is a series of staircases with many many flights. We're in the middle of one right now, but the tippy top of this staircase is just around the corner. Once you get on that landing, you'll get a bit of repreive, a little hop to your step. It'll all be worth it.
Everyone does shit that they don't want every day. Even those girls living in Amsterdam who seem to be living the dream. They have problems. They miss their mothers, friends, etc. They fight with their husbands/boyfriends. They trip and fall in the street in their white leggings. Someone, somewhere is jealous of your life. Jealous that you're in college, jealous that you have your own apartment that you can decorate to your desire. Someone is jealous of your style and wish that they could be a little more like you.
Don't forget all the things you do have going for you and the parts of your life that are close to perfect. We have a pretty beautiful family (and I don't mean that superficially) and I know MANY who envy that. There will always be something we can't afford, don't have the talent to create or do, but we will always have our selves. Nothing is more unique and blog-worthy than that.
Don't worry, Cait. We'll get to where we're going. :) Love you.