Thanks.

 "...Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." -Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903 in Letters to a Young Poet

I'm sorry for my lack of posting all this time. I get too overwhelmed with life and the last thing I can do when that happens is write out my thoughts when they are always so jumbled.

I'm thankful for all of the love in my life, and I'm thankful for the best sister in the whole world.
I'm so glad to have her with me as my best pal everyday :).

And just to add a little more sappiness...

I forgot to mention on here (surprising...) that Trevor and I recently celebrated our 4th year anniversary since we became a real couple (whatever that means) during junior year at the ol' high school.

Anyway, i can't let that day completely pass without embarrassing him on here just a litttle bit.

Thank you, Trevor, for being the greatest peace and calm in my life.

No matter what else goes haywire, I'm comforted knowing that I have you, and I hope I give you even a fraction of the joy that you give me. 

and thank you letting me blog about you (as if you have a choice :))

-C

Just call me Tired Mc. Tiredson.

I have a serious problem y'all.

Every time I try to update this thing I can't really figure out what I want to write about.

I have about a million under developed blog post ideas, but none complete enough to follow through.

Story of my life.

Anyways.

I'm terribly tired lately for no reason.

Trevor said I should get a multi vitamin.

I think he's right.

My sister was in town visiting me this last week.

Boy did I miss her.

I forgot how nice it is to have a true pal hangin' around at your hip.

You can't find those just anywhere :).

I'm generally someone who likes my space. I like to do things a lone a lot.

Though I consider myself to be more of a people person than a loner.

But maybe I'm wrong about that.

Anyway, the cool thing about sisters (or at least mine) is that you can pretty much go on about your day as usual without feeling like you have to entertain somebody, but still have great company.

I miss having her here.

I'm about 10000% ready for this quarter to be over and for the new one to start.

I like to start fresh when I'm feeling frustrated.

I'm not sure if that's a good quality.

Can you tell I'm a little down in the dumps? I know. I need to pep up.

I'm hoping once I get this monsterous paper that's glaring at me in the face over with that I'll feel a little lighter again.

Things to look forward to:

My cousin's wedding in New Orleans is just 26 sleeps away.

I'll get to see my whole Texan family at the end of the month for Thanksgiving.

and last but not least,

It's time to start pregaming for Christmas :)

Just a reminder.

This morning when I woke up to email my homework to my professor, 

I was greeted with a broken computer charger.
Joyyyy.

With a looming deadline ahead,
I reluctantly yet speedily took myself over to the Apple store in the mall
to buy myself a new 80 stinking dollar charger.

When I was leaving, I passed by Ann Taylor and Banana Republic and decided to mosey on inside.

I don't know about y'all, but as a college student, Ann and Banana tend to be a little out of my budget.

But I decided to walk around and pretend like they weren't.

150 bucks for this pair of plain black flats? No prob. 

70 bucks for a shirt? Why not? I'll have it forever!

Yeah right.

I walked out feeling just the teeniest bit bummed since I was currently wearing a pair of jeans that are too big for me but that I refuse not to wear because I paid 60 dollars for them, 

and a t-shirt that I think I've had since 8th grade. 

I know, I'll give you a moment to wipe your tears.

But tonight, as I'm about to go to bed, 

I feel more content that I've felt in a very long time.

Somehow, everything that has been heavy on my mind these past few months is beginning to lift. 

And when I get happy texts from my mom and sister, and have phone calls with my dad,

and my most wonderful boyfriend, who I seriously thank God for every morning and every night,

is coming to visit in just 3 days,

 I smile to myself because I remember once more that you really can't buy happiness.

'til next time...

-C

Fall, I love you.

I want to go to a pumpkin patch.

and take a hayride.

and drink warm cider even though I don't care for cider all that much.

and bake a pie.

and buy fall flowers.

(are you listening trevor? :))

Can you tell how much I love the seasons?

Fall feels like the little wonderful gateway to Christmas.

An Ideal Day.

A few weeks ago, someone asked me what my ideal day would be. 

I sort of gave a quick, mixed up answer because I didn't want to say that I didn't know off the top of my head.

I don't know why, but I found that embarrassing.

So today I thought about it.

And I think I've come up with an answer.

-Wake up.

-Drink coffee.

-Get dressed in gap jeans and a tshirt while listening to old 

(by old I mean circa 1995ish) country music. 

-Spend the rest of the day buying flowers, 

-shopping at flea markets, 

-perusing furniture/home goods stores

-one more cup of coffee, 

-rearranging/sprucing up my home

and ending the day with a glass of wine (or two) 

and a good movie (i.e. a romantic comedy) and my special someone.

via

Oh, in this scenario is also a little cocker spaniel.

oh, and it's christmas time.

...and i live in a craftsmen bungalow.

crap. thats not a day.

i was thinking too big. too far ahead.

...but does that really surprise anybody?

'til next time.

-C

P.S. I think this little blog needs a makeover. Inside and Out. Stay tuned :).

A little cheese.

Disclaimer: I'm feeling cheesy tonight. turn back now if cheese disgusts you.

It's no secret to anyone who reads this that I've been having a rough few months.

I find myself getting really down, often.

I find myself getting jealous of other people who seem to be perfectly at peace, often.

I find myself having to accept my realities right now instead of trying to pass them off as dreams, often.

On top of that, I feel guilty for thinking or feeling these things.

I feel embarrassed or annoying for constantly bringing these things up.

Trevor has been my rock for months now, and while I'm more thankful for that than I can say, 

I don't want that to be our whole relationship.

I don't want our talks or our time together to revolve around him comforting me.

Because while he's very good at it, he's way more than that.

He's my best friend, and he's the guy I want to just chill out with and talk about nothing.

And i miss that. 

I miss having so little on my brain that I'm ABLE to talk about nothing.

So naturally, I begin to feel guilty.

And right along with the guilt I begin to feel insecure.

I feel insecure that I'm consuming his energy to help me all the time.

I feel insecure that I become a chore.

I feel insecure that we  so rarely have lighthearted, meaningless conversations.

So naturally, I begin to feel like a bad girlfriend.

I begin to feel selfish.

I begin to feel like I'm making the whole world revolve around me and my problems.

Do you see this pattern?

And the more patient and loving Trevor is to me, the more I feel guilty that once again, 

he's the one comforting me (I know, women.)

Last night, I felt this way once more.

I went to sleep feeling like a weight on his shoulders because once again, 

he was the one who received the brunt of my weaknesses.

But today, I realized something.

There is no formula that will make me a good girlfriend.

I can only be me, who I am, in the moment, as best that I can.

And no matter what I  feel sometimes, no matter how crummy of a job I think I am doing in the roles that I'm trying to play, I'm just gonna do myself a favor and conclude that I am enough.

 I am enough, all on my own, sitting as I am, to deserve a happy, healthy, loving relationship without feeling guilty that I'm not always who I want to be.

I would do anything in the world for Trevor, 

and that makes me feel okay knowing that he's doing everything he can for me right now, 

even if it's just staying up a few extra minutes at night to talk to me because it makes me feel better. 

And while I do want to make a conscious effort to turn my attention to more of the positives in my life,

it is okay and normal to be human sometimes, and feel things that aren't positive.

I just count my lucky stars that I've got one major positive that I wouldn't trade for nothin'.

(p.s. I'd like to publicly thank my boyfriend for letting me blog about him. this thing would be pretty sparse otherwise, eh?)

-C

Lets play ketchup.

Hey y'all.

I feel terrible about my lack of blogging.

And I'm not just saying that.

I hate that I feel like I'm neglecting this little space, 

but it's not because I don't want to update.

My life lately doesn't really make for appropriate blog entries.

However.

I miss this little place,

and I'm working on finding other ways to blog about my life and other simple things.

Tomorrow is the start of my second year of college, and I'm feeling very confident about it.

I'm going to do my best to make this an exciting, productive, peaceful year for myself.

Hopefully I'll be able to stick to all of my laundry and working out routines that I've planned.
I always get like this when the school year starts...
sort of the way you're already super pumped about your new years resolution at first.

IN OTHER NEWS...

Guess who has an addition to their family?

...................

ok ok ill tell you!
.........................

I do, I do!

(except probably not in the way that it sounded)

What I'm trying to say is...

.......................................

we got a kitty!

One of my roommates found this sweet little guy and brought him home, and we've decided to keep him! He will really ultimately belong to our other roommate, Kelsey, because after we move out he'll be going with her, but he undoubtedly considers me his second mommy. or even daddy. i dont care, just as long as I'm a parental unit. This guy has slept with me every night for the past 3 nights and I adore the crap out of him. He's so cuddly and sweet and I'm in love.

I love you Tito.

(that's pronounced Tee-Doe) in case you were wondering.

We're taking him to the vet next week to start his little life off right.

I'm so happy :) He's such a sweet companion to come home to.

Oh, one more random little thing.

Aside from my wonderful apartment and sweet kitten and great friends and family, 

you know what else makes me so freakin lucky despite all of the hardships of life?

this guy.

I don't know what I'd do without him.

He is the bread to my butter,

the ink to my pen,

the petal to my flower. 

 he brings me the most incredible peace.

i consider myself very lucky to have him :).

And on that note

I'm gonna call it a night. 

If you are still reading this blog despite my frequent absences lately, thank you. It means so much to me:)

Good night, all.

-C

p.s. 94 days til Christmas (!)