What the heck is going on?

Something hit me today as I was sitting in Langsham Library trying to study for my Math test.

I don't know what the HELL I'm doing.

 I am clueless. Completely clueless.

For the first time in my life, people ask me where I'll be going and what I'll be doing after graduation and I just stare at them with this look that says some along the lines of "Uhhh....."

Y'all, this is an unfamilar place for Caitlin Brown.

I ALWAYS know what I'm doing.

I ALWAYS have everything planned out.

People ask me if I still plan on acting as my career,

and I respond (with the face) "uhhh....."

People ask me if I have a specfic career planned other than acting,

And I respond (with the face) "uhhh...well...um....I have a couple of ideas...I mean...um...you see..."

How ODD is it that I'm looking at acting as a safety net?

Pretty frikin odd if you ask me.

I guess I just miss having that identity.

Caitlin, the actress.

Then again, it's not as if I've lost that completely, so why does it suddenly feel like I have?

I just don't understand this limbo place that I'm in where I don't know what the crap is going on.

I mean, yes I am a student, I am getting a bachelors degree, I have a clue as to what my interests are and what I'm good at. But do I have the slightest comprehension as to which one of these I'm pursuing and how the heck I'm going to do that?

"uhhhh...."

I think I miss having something to show.

I miss SHOWING my work.

I miss having something tangible to share with people and say "This? Yeah. I did that."

But I keep having to remind myself that I'm in school and doing something with my time

 because I'm used to having something to like...PROVE it.

Oh lord, y'all.

This growing up business is not for wimps.

I just wish I knew what's going to happen.

I wish I had answers.

I like answers.

Maybe it's time I look into seeing a psychic.

...you think I'm joking?

 -C

a little faith will pull us through.

On Friday it will be 5 years since I sent Trevor an instant message on AIM telling him that I would be his girlfriend. Can you believe it? I can't!

I would go further into our dating history but I don't think either of us has enough energy for that ;).

Being with someone that you've pretty much grown up with is one of the coolest things. I find myself giggling at the thought of Trevor getting dressed for work every morning this quarter because I often still picture him as this itsy bitsy boy.

baking a cake in my kitchen our freshman year of high school.

But really, we've both grown up. 

And while it isn't always easy being with someone and trying to grow your relationship while you are still growing yourself, it's really rewarding and always worth it to me.

To celebrate years gone by I made a little video for my man.

Well, actually it was more for me, let's be honest.

I actually made a first draft of this video like, 2 years ago,

but it had a different song and not as many pictures. 

Isn't that funny? I think that's just the perfect way to explain relationships.

You're always adding new memories and the tune is always changing.

Hope you guys enjoy it :)

Daydreams.

Sometimes I daydream about moving to New York or L.A. and living in a cute little studio that I make very cozy and homey and have a sweet little puppy to come home to.

You see, this is my problem.

I am such a fantasizer.

I can make everything a movie in my head.

But then I don't quite understand why it doesn't play out the way I pictured it.

I gotta stop doing that.

I will.

Tomorrow.

studio by TheEyeSquinta on Polyvore.com

Items in this set:

Williams-Sonoma Home | Presidio Sofa & Loveseat, $1,850

Nuevo Furniture HGTA523 Como Coffee Table , Contemporary / Modern..., $795

4-Tier Storage Shelf with 6 Baskets - Walnut : Target, $200

Gourd Table Lamp | west elm, $180

ENGAN, $150

Wouldn't that all look lovely in my cute lil' studio?

'Til next time...

-C

It's a girl thing.

Last night I saw Bury the Dead with some of my favorite ladies.

The show was great and I was so proud to see my wonderful acting class on stage. 

You all did so great <3

After seeing the show, we made a few wrong turns and finally one right one into 

Steak n Shakes parking lot. We proceeded to eat our weight in burgers and milkshakes and I have to say, I don't regret it one bit. 

I love going out with girl friends. 

I remember when I lived in Chicago and hung out with mostly boys -aside from my sister- 

and how much I missed having girls to confide in. I would sit in restaurants and watch with envy at the girls having coffee and girl chitter chatter around me.

I vowed that when I finally got to hang out with girls again I wouldn't take it for granted.

After my girly night out, I returned home to engage in another girly activity.

One that I had anxiously been waiting to return to all day.

I returned home to read my Chick-Lit.

Judge me if you must, but I am not ashamed to say it: I LOVE CHICK LIT.

We have a beautiful relationship, Chick-Lit and I.

We just can't get enough of each other.

I bought this book on Wednesday, 

it's 350ish pages,

and I finished it last night.

 Something about the way that everything falls into place at the end of these books gives me hope that life is like that too. 

Not that my life is in shambles, ladies and gents.

Not one bit.

I count my lucky stars.

But I have uncertainties, just as anyone else does,

and it's nice to read happy endings.

I don't care who says that they are unrealistic or shallow.

I may be more jaded than I was two years ago,

but I'm not so jaded that I can't appreciate or believe in a good, happy ending.

Maybe it's a girl thing.

'Til next time...

-C

Comfy&Cozy.

A lot of people dream about living in a big mansion one day.

Well, I'm not sayin I'd turn one down if ya offered me one.

(So if you're reading this, and you were planning on offering me a mansion,

don't let this post deter you)

But I actually have always LOVED small, cozy homes.

I think it's because living in a small space forces you to be creative.

I don't like clutter, but I love homes that look lived in.

Something about a pile of books, or a beat up chair, or a soft quilt thrown over a chair feels like home.

I am obsessing over open cabinetry in kitchens right now.

 All images via apartment therapy.

'Til next time...

-C

Real Talk.

What is Real Talk you ask?

Real Talk is a term that came from my beloved friend  Mariel Tompkins to express the need to leave any B.S. at the door and say what ya mean.

I think tonight is one of those nights. 

So here we go ladies and gents...

Real Talk.

1. As I stated previously, I'm working on trading my affection for  cookies to an affection for apples.

It hasn't gone too terribly.

Real Talk: Well I mean, aside from that cookie I had yesterday.

2.  Real Talk: Long distance dating SUCKS for me this week. It just plum blows. I try not to show it all the time because I don't want to be a debbie downer, and it's not as if I feel this way every moment of every day, but my gosh. I just want to be in the same state as my boyfriend. The thing is, I don't think Trev takes it too hard. I mean, if he does, he doesn't show it really, which doesn't surprise me because he's not one to harp on things (like I am), and I'm thankful for that because it keeps things positive. I know he misses me, he's just so darn level headed. But sometimes I just wanna be like DOESN'T THIS BUG THE CRAP OUT OF YOU?! I wish somehow I would magically walk outside my door and see an envelope that said "Vacation Money" on it, and we'd be able to go somewhere...ANYWHERE...for just a weekend. Just to hang out. By ourselves. I know that time will come. I'm just impatient. Clearly.

3.  Real Talk: I saw Picnic last night, and it was fabulous. The set is literally so stunning it leaves you breathless. I felt like I was still watching it like I was in rehearsal, which was really odd. It was a very strange experience. It made me sad, of course. But I was also so happy for the cast. Seeing how happy they were when they were done and how proud everyone was of them, and the support they had from their classes, just tugged at my heart strings. I admit, the part I miss the most about CCM is the built in support system. I know I'm probably the only one who ever even thinks about it, but I tend to feel like "the girl who left CCM" a lot now when I'm hanging out with my friends. I can't always keep up with their conversations and I feel in limbo. It's an adjustment, and it's not a constant issue so it doesn't worry me too much, but it's definitely something I'm aware of. 

4. I had my job interview at the design school yesterday. I think it went really, really well and I'm praying my stinking HEAD off that I get it because Real Talk: I.need.money.bad.

5. Real Talk: I actually have started going to counseling on campus, just to help me adjust in a healthy way to everything thats changing. It's not just the changes with CCM, but I've had a pretty crazy couple of years. I probably won't go into that part of my life much on here but something that I've definitely noticed is that I've gotten much more negative than I've ever been. My motto in high school used to be this song that went something like "Smile, dontcha be a grumpy, when the road gets bumpy just smile, smile, smile and be happy!" I think it's time I take my own advice, but it's proven to be sort of difficult for me so I think this will help move me in the right direction, and have a positive effect on all aspects of my life. I'm a BIG believer in self confidence. Confidence will take you far. It's so important to me to have a firm grasp on my own self confidence, and I expect this will give me a good push.

Here's to Real Talk, and moving forward, one apple at a time!

'Til next time...

-C

ShortnSweet.

I'm going to see Picnic tonight.

(Picnic is the show I was rehearsals for before I left CCM, just in case you are lost)

Update on how weird it felt to see it, how my job interview went, and how I'm trying to trade my cookie addiction for apples will all be posted tomorrow.

Wishing love and love to the whole cast and crew <3

'Til next time...

-C