What the heck is going on?

Something hit me today as I was sitting in Langsham Library trying to study for my Math test.

I don't know what the HELL I'm doing.

 I am clueless. Completely clueless.

For the first time in my life, people ask me where I'll be going and what I'll be doing after graduation and I just stare at them with this look that says some along the lines of "Uhhh....."

Y'all, this is an unfamilar place for Caitlin Brown.

I ALWAYS know what I'm doing.

I ALWAYS have everything planned out.

People ask me if I still plan on acting as my career,

and I respond (with the face) "uhhh....."

People ask me if I have a specfic career planned other than acting,

And I respond (with the face) "uhhh...well...um....I have a couple of ideas...I mean...um...you see..."

How ODD is it that I'm looking at acting as a safety net?

Pretty frikin odd if you ask me.

I guess I just miss having that identity.

Caitlin, the actress.

Then again, it's not as if I've lost that completely, so why does it suddenly feel like I have?

I just don't understand this limbo place that I'm in where I don't know what the crap is going on.

I mean, yes I am a student, I am getting a bachelors degree, I have a clue as to what my interests are and what I'm good at. But do I have the slightest comprehension as to which one of these I'm pursuing and how the heck I'm going to do that?

"uhhhh...."

I think I miss having something to show.

I miss SHOWING my work.

I miss having something tangible to share with people and say "This? Yeah. I did that."

But I keep having to remind myself that I'm in school and doing something with my time

 because I'm used to having something to like...PROVE it.

Oh lord, y'all.

This growing up business is not for wimps.

I just wish I knew what's going to happen.

I wish I had answers.

I like answers.

Maybe it's time I look into seeing a psychic.

...you think I'm joking?

 -C

a little faith will pull us through.

On Friday it will be 5 years since I sent Trevor an instant message on AIM telling him that I would be his girlfriend. Can you believe it? I can't!

I would go further into our dating history but I don't think either of us has enough energy for that ;).

Being with someone that you've pretty much grown up with is one of the coolest things. I find myself giggling at the thought of Trevor getting dressed for work every morning this quarter because I often still picture him as this itsy bitsy boy.

baking a cake in my kitchen our freshman year of high school.

But really, we've both grown up. 

And while it isn't always easy being with someone and trying to grow your relationship while you are still growing yourself, it's really rewarding and always worth it to me.

To celebrate years gone by I made a little video for my man.

Well, actually it was more for me, let's be honest.

I actually made a first draft of this video like, 2 years ago,

but it had a different song and not as many pictures. 

Isn't that funny? I think that's just the perfect way to explain relationships.

You're always adding new memories and the tune is always changing.

Hope you guys enjoy it :)

Daydreams.

Sometimes I daydream about moving to New York or L.A. and living in a cute little studio that I make very cozy and homey and have a sweet little puppy to come home to.

You see, this is my problem.

I am such a fantasizer.

I can make everything a movie in my head.

But then I don't quite understand why it doesn't play out the way I pictured it.

I gotta stop doing that.

I will.

Tomorrow.

studio by TheEyeSquinta on Polyvore.com

Items in this set:

Williams-Sonoma Home | Presidio Sofa & Loveseat, $1,850

Nuevo Furniture HGTA523 Como Coffee Table , Contemporary / Modern..., $795

4-Tier Storage Shelf with 6 Baskets - Walnut : Target, $200

Gourd Table Lamp | west elm, $180

ENGAN, $150

Wouldn't that all look lovely in my cute lil' studio?

'Til next time...

-C

It's a girl thing.

Last night I saw Bury the Dead with some of my favorite ladies.

The show was great and I was so proud to see my wonderful acting class on stage. 

You all did so great <3

After seeing the show, we made a few wrong turns and finally one right one into 

Steak n Shakes parking lot. We proceeded to eat our weight in burgers and milkshakes and I have to say, I don't regret it one bit. 

I love going out with girl friends. 

I remember when I lived in Chicago and hung out with mostly boys -aside from my sister- 

and how much I missed having girls to confide in. I would sit in restaurants and watch with envy at the girls having coffee and girl chitter chatter around me.

I vowed that when I finally got to hang out with girls again I wouldn't take it for granted.

After my girly night out, I returned home to engage in another girly activity.

One that I had anxiously been waiting to return to all day.

I returned home to read my Chick-Lit.

Judge me if you must, but I am not ashamed to say it: I LOVE CHICK LIT.

We have a beautiful relationship, Chick-Lit and I.

We just can't get enough of each other.

I bought this book on Wednesday, 

it's 350ish pages,

and I finished it last night.

 Something about the way that everything falls into place at the end of these books gives me hope that life is like that too. 

Not that my life is in shambles, ladies and gents.

Not one bit.

I count my lucky stars.

But I have uncertainties, just as anyone else does,

and it's nice to read happy endings.

I don't care who says that they are unrealistic or shallow.

I may be more jaded than I was two years ago,

but I'm not so jaded that I can't appreciate or believe in a good, happy ending.

Maybe it's a girl thing.

'Til next time...

-C

Comfy&Cozy.

A lot of people dream about living in a big mansion one day.

Well, I'm not sayin I'd turn one down if ya offered me one.

(So if you're reading this, and you were planning on offering me a mansion,

don't let this post deter you)

But I actually have always LOVED small, cozy homes.

I think it's because living in a small space forces you to be creative.

I don't like clutter, but I love homes that look lived in.

Something about a pile of books, or a beat up chair, or a soft quilt thrown over a chair feels like home.

I am obsessing over open cabinetry in kitchens right now.

 All images via apartment therapy.

'Til next time...

-C

Real Talk.

What is Real Talk you ask?

Real Talk is a term that came from my beloved friend  Mariel Tompkins to express the need to leave any B.S. at the door and say what ya mean.

I think tonight is one of those nights. 

So here we go ladies and gents...

Real Talk.

1. As I stated previously, I'm working on trading my affection for  cookies to an affection for apples.

It hasn't gone too terribly.

Real Talk: Well I mean, aside from that cookie I had yesterday.

2.  Real Talk: Long distance dating SUCKS for me this week. It just plum blows. I try not to show it all the time because I don't want to be a debbie downer, and it's not as if I feel this way every moment of every day, but my gosh. I just want to be in the same state as my boyfriend. The thing is, I don't think Trev takes it too hard. I mean, if he does, he doesn't show it really, which doesn't surprise me because he's not one to harp on things (like I am), and I'm thankful for that because it keeps things positive. I know he misses me, he's just so darn level headed. But sometimes I just wanna be like DOESN'T THIS BUG THE CRAP OUT OF YOU?! I wish somehow I would magically walk outside my door and see an envelope that said "Vacation Money" on it, and we'd be able to go somewhere...ANYWHERE...for just a weekend. Just to hang out. By ourselves. I know that time will come. I'm just impatient. Clearly.

3.  Real Talk: I saw Picnic last night, and it was fabulous. The set is literally so stunning it leaves you breathless. I felt like I was still watching it like I was in rehearsal, which was really odd. It was a very strange experience. It made me sad, of course. But I was also so happy for the cast. Seeing how happy they were when they were done and how proud everyone was of them, and the support they had from their classes, just tugged at my heart strings. I admit, the part I miss the most about CCM is the built in support system. I know I'm probably the only one who ever even thinks about it, but I tend to feel like "the girl who left CCM" a lot now when I'm hanging out with my friends. I can't always keep up with their conversations and I feel in limbo. It's an adjustment, and it's not a constant issue so it doesn't worry me too much, but it's definitely something I'm aware of. 

4. I had my job interview at the design school yesterday. I think it went really, really well and I'm praying my stinking HEAD off that I get it because Real Talk: I.need.money.bad.

5. Real Talk: I actually have started going to counseling on campus, just to help me adjust in a healthy way to everything thats changing. It's not just the changes with CCM, but I've had a pretty crazy couple of years. I probably won't go into that part of my life much on here but something that I've definitely noticed is that I've gotten much more negative than I've ever been. My motto in high school used to be this song that went something like "Smile, dontcha be a grumpy, when the road gets bumpy just smile, smile, smile and be happy!" I think it's time I take my own advice, but it's proven to be sort of difficult for me so I think this will help move me in the right direction, and have a positive effect on all aspects of my life. I'm a BIG believer in self confidence. Confidence will take you far. It's so important to me to have a firm grasp on my own self confidence, and I expect this will give me a good push.

Here's to Real Talk, and moving forward, one apple at a time!

'Til next time...

-C

ShortnSweet.

I'm going to see Picnic tonight.

(Picnic is the show I was rehearsals for before I left CCM, just in case you are lost)

Update on how weird it felt to see it, how my job interview went, and how I'm trying to trade my cookie addiction for apples will all be posted tomorrow.

Wishing love and love to the whole cast and crew <3

'Til next time...

-C

And then the sun comes out...

After a long day yesterday of stressing over my homework and exam,

I had a long night of stressing over money.

And then today I went online to check my email,

and I was greeted with a message from someone from the design school here at UC 

asking me to interview for an administrative position.

Oh.My.Gosh.

You should have seen my fingers.

I don't think I've ever typed so fast in my life.

I hope I didn't come off to eager when I typed "YES!!!!" in response.

So everyone have your fingers crossed at 3:30pm tomorrow while I'm at my interview!

As for the blogging job,

I haven't heard back from site since I sent in my email. 

Yesterday she posted on her site that she's still reviewing applications and will get back to everyone she is interested in talking to by next week.

So I'm still hoping for that, of course.

But at least I don't feel so much pressure if it doesn't work out.

ALSO!

I was asked by a senior CCM Acting Major to be a part of a 3 person play that he is directing in Cincinnati this summer at the Cincinnati Outdoor Classics.

I'm SO excited to get to do a show this summer!

I'll still be auditioning at the League of Cincinnati Theater auditions 

and see if anything comes from that, 

but at least I know that I'll definitely get to do one show!

Rehearsals start in August and we perform the first week of September, 

so the timing is perfect :)

See? Would ya look at that?

Things are just workin' themselves out all over the darn place.

I hope you all have a wonderful day <3

'Til next time...

-C

My feathers are ruffled.

Oh boooy.

Here I go.

Gettin all stressed out.

I really shouldn't be blogging when I have so much to do but I think this will make me feel better and then hopefully will make my to do list seem a little less daunting.

 It's 11:04pm and I still need to finish my Fundamentals of Directing portfolio.

I have such little motivation to do this portfolio.

I'm also so stressed out about all of this financial aid crapola.

Money just makes me want to rip my hair out.

I need a job.

In order to get a job, I need a car.

In order to get a car, I need a job.

See how that works?

I was also sitting down tonight to calculate how much debt I'll have when I graduate.

It doesn't look too pretty.

I know education is an investment, and it's important,

and I'm glad that I go to UC,

so I wouldn't change it.

But BOY oh BOY.

I'm also trying to figure out my summer plans.

I want to stay in Cincinnati,

take classes,

work,

maybe do a show.

But in order to stay here,

and in order to take classes,

I have to pay.

Of course. Because everything costs money.

I miss Trevor.

I know I'll survive not seeing him very much for a little while.

I know eventually it'll pass.

I just get bummed sometimes because I know it will be like this for a good chunk of the next 3 years.

Not that I'm complaining.

I'm SO happy and excited for him to have these opportunities.

But on nights like tonight,

when I'm all flustered and stressed,

I wish he was here.

So.

There's my boo-hoo for the night.

I do feel better.

I guess I have to go be productive now.

Good night, everyone.

'Til next time...

-C

Addict.

Hi. I'm Caitlin, and I'm a Cookie-holic.

*Sigh.* I'm going to have to kick this habit if I have any hope to wear a bathing suit on the beach this summer.

 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. See you on Monday :)

'Til next time...

-C

News.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

One. Glee is back on! I know what you're thinking. Cheese. You'd be right. I'm not totally all into the plot line as much as I just love to hear the songs. It's all worth it for the songs. I havent stopped playing "Hello" since the last episode aired.

Two.  I've decided to do the League of Cincinnati Theatre Auditions in May! For those of you who don't know, the LCT's are basically unified auditions where a bunch of cincinnati theatres come together in one place so that you can audition for their seasons. I have no idea if anything will come out of it but I'm excited to try :). I've been missing performing a lot lately. I've noticed that I have a much harder time valuing myself when I'm not acting, which I really need to work on. For some reason I get the idea that I'm only REALLY worthwhile if I'm acting. I guess that's because I feel like thats the one thing that sets me apart. Who knows. But I'm excited to audition, and even more excited that I'm able to audition AND still be involved and present in other areas of my life. I think Im going to get the best of both worlds, and that makes me very happy.

Three. I want a labradoodle. Do I need to say more? Look at them. Just LOOK at those faces.

Four.  I miss Trev. And the night that this picture was taken. That night was the summer of '08. Trev came to TX to visit me and my family and we went to this great bar on the water where they have karaoke. In this picture I'm teaching him to Two Step, which is no easy task when both dancin' partners have had a few too many orange slushy drinks.

Tonight, I shall do homework, go to the gym, and snuggle in bed. 

Sleep tight, everyone.

'Til next time...

-C

Sentimental.

 CCM's Musical Theatre Class of 2010.

I cry every time. Every flippin time.

love is in the air.

I got sick yesterday,

and am now bed ridden and light headed.

Thank goodness for blogs

:).

This engagement photo session makes me swoon.

{all images via snippetandink)

Have a good day, everyone!

Stay healthy.

'Til next time...

-C

I have found heaven on earth.

Ladies and Gentleman of the blogosphere.

Today when I was in between classes

 and I was doing my regular blog perusing,

I found heaven.

Yes.

Heaven.

One of my favorite wedding blogs that I read is hiring.

HIRING.

They are looking for someone (a college student, a newlywed, a bride, etc.) to be a marketing assistant

(i.e. spread the word about their blog via Facebook, Twitter,

and other social networking sites)

as well as help with creating CONTENT for the website.

They need someone who already browses wedding blogs and images on a daily basis.

Are you kidding me?

I could turn my favorite activity of the day into my job?

That would mean I could stop scolding myself for spending all my time on wedding websites!

That would mean I wouldn't have to feel shameful checking out of Rite Aid 

with Martha Stewart Weddings in hand!

That would mean the end of my friends having a reason to make fun of me for having an account on TheKnot.com!

 I feel like I'm going to pee my pants.

I know it's a long shot.

I know there are probably a million applicants.

But I can't help but dream.

Doesn't this make you want to have a tea party?
 {via Ruffled blog)

'Til next time....

-C

I Have A Dream.

I have a dream.

That one day.

I will have my own domain for my blog.

And I will have different blog pages and sections that I can update.

And I'll have a really good camera to take really pretty pictures.

that I will post on my many different sections.

of my really awesome blog.

And I can be just like my favorite person in the whole world, 

Katie Brown, writer of Confessions of a Young Married Couple.

And we'll have cocktails and discuss our blogging days.

And offer advice for our new web designs (because we both have fancy custom domains.)

And she'll have me over to her house in Florida.

And I'll babysit the Bean.

And we'll all live happily ever after.

The End.

My Soap Box- For Better or For Worse.

**NOTE: I try to stay away from topics of controversy on my blog most of the time, but today I'm going to let my freak flag fly and say whats on my mind. I hope this doesnt offend or hurt anyone's feelings, and I sincerely apologize if it does.**

I went to the gym this morning with Trevor since he was visiting this weekend (yay!)

and while Trevor was finishing his 485,035 hour workout

(I was quite content after a run and some squats)

 I decided to see what magazines the gym had on tap.

I settled on the latest issue of "Women's Health."

 (source: www.womenshealth.com)

 

I should read this more often.

It had a lot of great tips in it, 

and while I may not be quite as motivated as my gym rat boyfriend,

I do unfortunately feel the need to workout on a regular basis.

Anyways.

I was reading this magazine and came to an article titled

"{How Not to Be} The Starter Wife"

To summarize, the article talks about something that has been on my mind a lot recently.

My generation's approach to marriage and relationships.

According to Women's Health magazine, 29% of women who divorce in the U.S. were married between the ages of 20-24.

Now,

I am NOT at all saying that all women (and definitely not all men) 

at these ages should run off right now and get hitched.

But  it frustrates me that so many people blame these people's ages for their unsuccessful marriage.

In generations before us, people got married WAY younger than us, 

and yet the U.S.'s divorce rates have only increased.
One of my favorite blogs that I read is called Confessions of a Young Married Couple,
and is written by a 27 year old redhead named Katie,
who was married to her high school sweetheart when they were both 22.
They were engaged at 20.
If you read this blog, you'll see that their happy marriage has nothing to do with their age.
It has everything to do with their perspective on relationships and commitment.

 It's funny that I came across this article because days ago I was talking with my friend Kate about our generations tendency to want to "Edit and Delete" our lives.

I'm totally not taking myself out of that loop by any means.

I get terrified at the idea of sending an email because I know I can't take it back.

We have been raised with technology that allows us to open blank documents, delete files, 

and retouch our photos.

We edit or undo things on a daily basis.

 This is a blessing,

but we are taking that kind of mentality into our relationships.

I'm not saying that divorce isn't necessary.

I come from a home of divorced parents and it was completely warrented 

and I am thankful that it was an option.

Getting out of an unhealthy relationship or marriage is more than understandable,

it's necessary.

But now people are getting divorced because they "fell out of love" or they "can't communicate well" or they "just grew apart." 

I am pretty sure that every 90 year old married couple can tell you that they felt ALL of those things in their marriage at one time or another.

But when I'm 90 years old and sittin in my rockin chair,

I hope I can look at the person who is rockin' next to me with a smile.

Because at the end of such a long road,

Are those the times that you're going to remember?

This article says it all better than I can.

Take a look if you're interested!

{How Not to Be} The Starter Wife.

'Til next time...




-C

P.S. Apparently my updates aren't showing up on my followers feeds. I don't know why this is, but I assure you all that I'm posting! Come directly to my site until I figure this technical business out :).

Thoughts of the day.

One.

Two.

Three.

One.  I really need to do laundry. I think if my laundry room looked like this instead of like the basement of a dorm, I would be more excited about it. I love cute laundry rooms. picture from HouseandHome

Two.  Trev comes into town tomorrow =D. I can't wait to see him. Ain't he cute?

Three. I need to go study. I wish I looked as content when I study as this man does.

Last night I went over to my friend Abby's house with a few of the senior CCM ladies, (by the way, Abby has a remarkable vintage shop which can be found here. Check it out, great stuff for extremely reasonable prices!) While we were there the senior girls were talking about their preperation for leaving for NYC and LA to do their senior showcases. I have to admit, a part of me got a little sad. 

It felt weird because for the first time in...pretty much EVER, I wasn't sure if that would be me in 3 years. For the first time, I didn't know for sure if I'd be pursuing acting when I graduate. And while that's what scares me and makes me a little sad, I guess that's also the beauty of it for me. I'd rather be questioning myself now, and trying other things, than having these thoughts when I'm living in LA with a BFA in acting not knowing if it's the right career for me. 

For the first time in my life, I'm not in that world anymore. It's not to say I won't be. But I could not be. That really hit me yesterday.

The other night when I went to see the Senior Showcase for Musical Theatre, I was SO excited. It was wonderful and enjoyable. They got to the last song which they dedicated to anyone who had "given their life to the stage",  and as soon as they introduced it,  I KNEW that I would become emotional. It was about why they perform. And I started crying. I don't mean a single glistening tear on my cheek. I mean I was BAWLING. Embarrassingly bawling my eyes out watching them sing this song.

That was really hard.

But then, I took a step back, took a deep breath, and remembered that this decision makes me happier on a daily basis. It REALLY does. I feel like a new person right now.

I just have to remind myself that acting and (hopefully) my talent for it isn't going anywhere. I know I can go back to that. But for now, I'm so glad that I'm traveling down new paths to see what else is out there.

Speaking of which.

Tomorrow I need to bring in 3 objects to Interpersonal Communications that are close to me and/or shape me as a person.

Wonder what I'll bring...

'Til next time...

-C

Bathing Suit Season.

Bathing Suit Season is here.

The shopping commences.

May I ask what that little ruffle is doing?

This is supposed to be for "extra" coverage.

If you would like to give me extra coverage, then how about we extend that ruffle to my ankles?

I guess it's a good thing Alessandra Ambrosio and I have such similar body types.

Makes shopping for a bathing suit just THAT much easier!

POPULAR! I know about popular.

So.

Right now this little humble blog of mine averages about 50 hits a day, maybe 60 if I get crazy and post my updates on facebook.

Some say that talking about celebrities and current events can increase your daily hits through the google search engine.

I say that I have much too much integrity to stoop to the gutter of just trying to make my blog POPULAR.

I mean, I write about awfully important things.

I couldn't just EXPLOIT my beloved blog for a few extra hits.

No.

I will continue to post just as I do, and wait for the success to come all on its own. 

So, have you guys heard the latest on Kim Kardashian? Yeah her and Reggie Bush totally broke up.

  I almost mistook Kim for myself in that picture! We look STRIKINGLY similar in our bikinis.

But that doesn't even COMPARE to what's happening on Dancing with the Stars. That Kate Gosselin could use some serious work and the judges aren't afraid to tell her!

It's really a shame about Reese and Jake, too. They made such a sweet couple.

Wellll, it looks like that's all for today!

'Til next time...

-C

6 words.

In my Interpersonal Communications class we had to write a journal entry

summing up our life in 6 words up to this point.

Mine was "I start, I stall, I restart."

I know it's dorky, but I meant that my life personally sort of reminds me of driving a stickshift.

Not that I've ever driven one.

I refuse.

But I imagine it being a lot like learning how to drive a stickshift.

You start, you try to go up a hill, you don't know how, so you stall.

And you have to start all over.

It's difficult at first, but the more hills you go over, the more you know how to deal with them,

and you can recognize them for what they are.

Literally, a bump in the road.

But a classmate of mine read his,

and it made me smile.

"Be Strong, Live Life, Love One."

I know it's not poetry or anything, but when he explained what it meant I thought it was really sweet.

"Be strong" was important to him because he had experienced hardship in his family recently involving death of a loved one.

"Live Life" is something he said he felt close to because he's very outgoing and is always up for anything.

and "Love One" was included because he said he was brought up to find that "one girl" who he loves and to take care of and love her forever.

And then I started weeping.

I mean, not really.

But if you  know me at all,

you know that I let out a good squeal right about then.

I'm pathetic.

At least I embrace it.

What are your 6 words?

'Til next time...

-C

If I was a grown up...

I'd live in this:

Home is where the heart is by TheEyeSquinta on Polyvore.com

and get married like this:

Antique Winter Wedding by TheEyeSquinta featuring Zac Posen dresses

Right.

Okay, well, back to dorm living and homework!

'Til next time...


-C

if i had my druthers part 2....

Love by TheEyeSquinta on Polyvore.com

Items in this set:
Queen Bed in Erin: Natural, $1,600
Diane James Peony Bouquet in Glass Bowl | Gracious Home | Product, $625
Office Furniture - Shop Our Stylish Office Desks, Office Chairs & More..., $400
Sheesha Euro Pillow, $305
Floor Lamp., $280


My bedroom would forever look like this.

If I had my druthers part 1...

So, for being in my early college years, I've had a few humble abodes of my own.

My Baltimore Apartment.

 Chicago Apartment.

And now...

My Dorm.

This is basically just my wall of things that I find aesthetically pleasing.

Flowers always brighten my day.

Now, if I had my druthers for my next apartment,
these items would be on my wish list:

source: zgallerie.

 source: anthropologie.

source: zgallerie.

source: pottery barn.

source: pottery barn.

 source: unknown.

I have a big thing for white right now.

Is it obvious?

Oh, to dream.

'Til next time...

-C